Sunday, December 12, 2010

A Writer's Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa,
I've been really, really good this year.  I actually finished a whole book this year!  I wrote a beginning, a middle and an end.  What's more it had conflict, emotional tension, fantastic sex scenes, a black moment that was truly masterful and a happy ending that made me whoop with joy!!  I got off my butt and entered my book in a ginormous writing competition and when I didn't win OR named in the top ten OR included in the list of writers the publishers wanted to hear more from - did I rant or rave or even throw a teensy weensy tanty?  I did not.  I sat down and started to write a new book.  A single title book.  A romance.  It's beautiful.

So because I've been SUCH a good girl* I think it only fair that my Christmas Wish List reflects that by being somewhat on the large-ish side.

For Christmas I would like:
  • More time in the day - now before you tug your beard three times and whisper magic Santa words I just want to clarify something: I want more time in the day for me to write.  Not for housework or phone calls or visitors or grocery shopping or other mundane, low-priority stuff.  Just more writing time.  Uninterrupted, undisturbed, undistracted writing time.
  • A magic keyboard.  It has to have flashing lights and a speaker system and everytime I commit one of the squillion writing sins I've been reading about while procrastinating researching for my book, my magic keyboard will let me know and then in George Clooney's voice tell me how fabulously sexy I look and offer a brilliant solution to my literary blooper.
  • Lots of followers for my blog.  I know this request is shamelessly selfish but I love being liked and it would make me so happy to have lots and lots of people leave comments on my blog boosting my ego and wanting to be my cyber friend.  Besides all the agents who read writer's blogs keep saying that already having a solid following is great as far as publicity goes so it's not just for me - it's for my agent too (whoever that ends up being).
  • Either to no longer like chocolate OR the ability to eat truckloads of the stuff without it contributing to my writer's butt (please see the point below).
  • No more writer's butt.  I would like to wake up on Christmas morning and have the butt of a sixteen year old track and field star and because I know how ridiculous that would look alongside the rest of me, you may as well just give me the rest of the track and field star's body as well.  But I don't want to have to do any hard work to keep it looking that good.  I don't have time (please see the first point).
  • A real, actual working internal switch for my inner editor so I can turn her off once and for all (until I need her and then she can't hold a grudge and do something nasty like purposefully overlook all the adjectives I've added to my dialogue tags).
  • A muse that turns up when needed.  That does not mean making an appearance when I'm in the middle of a story that I'm really quite enjoying writing and start whispering about this super-shiny new idea that I should probably start writing like, right away and just forget about that other one for a while.  Nor does it mean leaving me stranded when I'm in the saggy middle of my story and need something uber cool to transform my droopy midriff into a wordy sixpack (like literary liposuction).  It means that as soon as I start foundering for the perfect word, or wondering what my heroine should do next, or if my hero suddenly develops vampire tendencies, tells the heroine he's actually a fallen angel and has travelled back in time to save her then I want my Muse to step in and gently steer me back onto the right path - preferably with some seriously clever suggestions.
  • I'd like my Muse to look like George Clooney.
  • The world's most perfect agent just waiting for me - without applying any pressure - to finish this book and then to treat it (and me) like their favourite child and to lead us through the minefield of publishing and making us feel like it was a visit to an amusement park.  Then they will secure me deal after seven figure deal - again without any pressure - for whatever I choose to write next.
  • The world to decide that while e-books were sorta cool for a brief moment there (like hypercolour t-shirts or acid wash jeans or legwarmers) now they're just passe and books are the new black.  (Tip: It wouldn't hurt if a few glamazons were seen at red carpet events carrying or even wearing a book - if Lady Gaga can wear meat, then Heidi Klum can wear a book).
  • Feedback.  For every writing competition I enter (and if you do your bit then I promise to enter lots more of them next year) I get lots of helpful constructive feedback.  An email would be okay, a long letter even better, a phone call would be great but a personal visit with a detailed dossier in a sexy faux-leather bound folder that I can refer back to later on would be amazingly fab.
  • George Clooney (what they hey - might as well ask).
And of course if there's anything else you think I might like, that's fine by me.
Yours sincerely
Elissa G

*For the purposes of this Wish List, the term 'good' is understood by both parties to be a subjective measurement and is a comparison to past behaviour of the first party and is not to be confused by comparing the first parties' behaviour to other parties like Mother Theresa or work colleagues or fictional characters or really anyone else.  Okay?


Nas Dean said...

Oh Santa, I vouch for her, so please fulfil all her wishes...then if it's not too much trouble then my wishlist happens to be please...pretty please!!!

Elissa Graham said...

Nas, you can have everything except George!

Robyn said...

Snap! My wish list (sans George) is almost word for word too. Girls, I think we've just made Santa's life very easy. He's going to be so happy with us!

But since there's a *slight chance I haven't been quite as well behaved as Elissa, I'll skip the sixteen year old track star's body. No sense giving my poor hubby a heart attack after all these years. :-)


Nas Dean said...

OK, Lisa I swap George for Mc, I just saw him in VALENTINES DAY and he was a lying, cheating, two timer. And Jennifer Garner shred him to bits..actually saying something about cutting his *** into small bits!

Elissa Graham said...

Ladies I am happy to share everything except George so feel free to copy and paste my letter to the Jolly Fat Man. It's so nice that we've all been so good (even at being naughty ;P)