Saturday, January 26, 2013

The Sexy Writer's Diet

Okay so Christmas........I don't know about your family but food is a very important part of, well actually, every single one of our gatherings.  There are always favourites that are requested (aka demanded) and new recipes to try out on unsuspecting willling consumers.  Anyway you look at it there is always lots of food.  And every year I say hello to a few kilos, they hang around for a few weeks months and I end up doing some dreadful things to my body in an attempt to get rid of them.

Stop reading now if you have a delicate stomach.

I diet.


I exercise.

I know.  Hideous isn't it?  But the sad fact is that writing is a pretty stationary sort of job.  Yes, there are times when I leap passionately from my chair, gesticulating like some Italian on methamphetamines, swearing profusely (but always grammatically correct) at my characters, but mostly I just sit.  And because of my inactivity my extra ponderosity (oooh I just love that word) remains.  And I hate it.  I feel sluggish and frumpy and Not. Sexy.

It's hard to write sexy when you don't feel sexy.

So I decided to come up with The Sexy Writer's Diet.  Feel free to follow it (at your own risk).

Day 1: In order to cleanse your system of harmful toxins and other nasty stuff, you will drink nothing but cocktails, high in alcohol content.  For those who are cocktail intolerant *two handed face fan*, champagne is an acceptable substitute.

Warning: after the third (or perhaps if you are an experienced dieter, after the fourth) cocktail you may start to feel a little woozy.  This is normal and your wooziness should increase as the day progresses if you are dieting correctly.  During this phase, you should turn on your favourite music and after a few minutes of gettin' down wid your bad self, use the music to fuel an intense session of day dreaming.  As legibly as possible, write down your ideas - use pictures if you need to (cutting them out of magazines is not recommened as scissors are sharp!) - stick drawings will suffice.

Day 2: After such a physically gruelling day, you should rest as much as possible today.  Lie prone amongst as many cushions as you can pile on your bed - the silkier/satinier/sexier the better.  Be kind to your digestive system and only eat soft food today.  Suggestions include: cupcakes, brownies (but only those without nuts), cream buns, banoffee pie and mousse.  Read back through your notes and try and translate them. 

Warning: You may feel a surge of energy after you ingest the first few delectable delicacies - this is your body's way of telling you that it appreciates what you are doing for it.  Ten or so minutes later you may feel lethargic and tired - this is your body's way of telling you that it is worried you don't love it anymore.  Show your body how much you care and scoff another donut.

Day 3: By now you should have a good supply of ideas and you need to pick one or two to start on.  In order to fuel this intensively focussed activity you will need your brain to be alert and working at its optimum.  From when you wake until lunch time, only eat chocolate.  Pure chocolate.  Unpolluted by anything else.  No candy coatings.  No wafer biscuits.  No chewy caramel.  No whipped nougat.  Just chocolate.  It won't be easy, but you must be strong.

After lunchtime you will need to allow your overtaxed brain to relax.  Milkshakes and cookies ought to do the trick nicely.  Thickshakes are recommended for those who are feeling particularly brain strained - the act of sucking so hard that your cheeks meet inside your mouth has a proven meditative affect on the Squidgish Writermus - the part of the brain that governs writing books.

Day 4: In order to fire up the passions before tackling the serious business of writing, one looks to age old proven adages, specifically my all time fav: You are what you eat.  You wanna write hot, spicy, sexy stuff, then you gotta eat hot, spicy, sexy stuff.  So follow your own personal preferences for today: Mexican, Thai, Creole, Sichuan or Cajun - eat up.  And let the heat steam up the pages of your manuscript.

Day 5: There is both Yin and Yang present in this diet.  Therefore today will be the day to cool your overheated lil self.  Ice cream.  Frappes.  Ice chocolates and Ice Coffees.  Frozen yoghurt (if you must and only if nothing else is available).  In order to stave off those pesky headaches that plague those who indulge in cool consumables, it is important to balance your chilled intake with something a little sassy and offbeat.  Try dipping french fries in your soft serve ice cream, or pretzels into your Ice Chocolate.  Trust in the Zen of The Sexy Writer's Diet - today you will devise the most devious plot twists imaginable.



Day 6: Following our theory of ingestion parallels production today we are sassy, snappy and zippy.  Which equates to crunch.  Source crunchy food from wherever it lurks, leaving no supermarket unshopped.  Potato chips, M&Ms, cookies, sugar covered almonds are all acoustically suitable choices.

Warning: Crunchy food has a nasty habit of making one thirsty - stay hydrated by ensuring you have everything on hand to make a bucket sized daquiri.  Note: you may need to purchase a very long straw to reach the bottom of your bucket.   Please remember that Sexy Writers NEVER drink staight from the bucket - that's just tacky.

Day 7: Stay strong you are almost finished your goal of becoming A Sexy Writer.  Today your tansformation will be complete.  Your mind must be set free and this can only be accomplished if it is as light as air.  Today you will consume air infused food: popcorn, fairy floss (or cotton candy), champagne (yes it is a food), marshmallows, mousse, whipped cream, zabaione, angel food cake.  Your writing will escape the dark, dreariness that drags so many other writers down, miring their manuscripts in heavy, uninspiring prose; your work will lift the reader, spiritually and emotionally, to another plane of pleasure and enjoyment.

This diet is scientifically proven to improve your writing, your health and your Sexiness*

*Actually it probably wont.  But it sure would be fun huh?  

Just remember you are Sexy no matter what you eat or don't eat, what size you are, what you wear, or where you are.  Sexy is as Sexy does folks.  But if you have any tips on how to Sexify your writing and what works for you, or doesn't, feel free to submit them and we may include them in our next version of this diet.

1 comment:

Dr. kold_kadavr_flatliner, MD, the sub/dude said...

PS "I Am the One who runs the world. You're here to prepare for Heaven. You cannot make it to the Great Beyond on your own." -Jesus

...and I, as a sinfull mortal, help in this symbiotic relationship: take part in this glorious, Christmas gift; this wonderFULL, Heavenly Kingdom that we may live forever. God bless you with discernment.