Wednesday, February 2, 2011

5 Things I Will Never Do

In my skipping about in Blogland I'm still finding people chatting about New Year Resolutions and while I'm quite happy with mine, I thought it would be interesting to explore things I will not do.  As in Never.  Under No Circumstances sort of things.  I know it's customary to write lists like these in groups of ten but I know how much I ramble on so five will be plenty.  Trust me.

I Will Never.........

1. Appear on a reality TV show.  Most of them are just plain stoopid.  You want to watch starving people, sweat and generally look ridiculous - visit a gym.  And as for those family based reality shows?  Oh.  My.  God.  If they put my family on one we'd all be hauled off to the loony bin before the end of episode one and you'd hear people muttering "It was all fake.  No one could possibly be THAT strange!".  What about a Writer's Reality Show?  Could be interesting.  Not watching me write because that's about as exciting as bat poo but seeing the lengths I will go to in order to avoid writing.....that could be amusing.  Ah but cooking shows?  I lurves ma cookin' shows.  First it was Ready Steady Cook and then Masterchef and now My Kitchen Rules.  I saw last year's MKRs and I was hooked.  The food.  The infighting.  The planning and conniving.  The judges.  Ooo la la Mr Feildel's hairy face and Mr Evans' hairy chest, Mr Feildel's accent and Mr Evans' eyes.  I'd like to tip them both into a giant (gentle) blender and have one uber chef emerge.  I thought about calling him Penu but that just made me giggle every time I said it.  So it will have to be Mate.  He could be My Mate.  All mine yer hear?  I won't share a whisker or chest hair.

2. Release a CD.  I sound fabulous in the shower.  When there's no one else around.  As soon as another human being comes within hearing my voice remarkably and inexplicably goes from having a vocal range of Celine Dion to sounding like a duck with a cold.  Doesn't stop me from hoping one day the Voice Fairy will take pity on me (or just not be able to take listening to one more rendition of I Have Nothing) and grant me the voice I've always dreamed of having.

3. Eat offal.  My mother tried when I was young to feed me what she called Lamb's Fry.  It was her attempt at calling it something less hideous.  She could have called it chocolate and I still wouldn't have eaten it.  I can distinctly remember opening the fridge as a young child and spying a set of sheep's brains sitting cheerily on a little tray waiting for my mother to cook them in a white sauce which she still says is lovely.  Pardon me while I puke!  I have an Aunty who used to like eating chicken's feet.   Please.  There is plenty of meat available on the rest of the bird without having to resort to eating it's feet!  And my father delighted in telling me it was possible to buy cow's tongue in a tin.  Now I'm no fool and of course I didn't believe him.  Until he brought me home a tin.  Pass me the bucket again will you?  No, I will not eat anything that someone else has walked on, thought or licked with.

4. Appear naked in public.  I love little furry animals.  Very much.  But I feel that my personal appearance unclothed would do nothing to further their cause.  In fact it could possibly do a lot to harm it.  Same goes for Art (note I spelled it with a capital).  All those artistes who throw a bunch of naked people together and then take a photo and call it Art - it's not Art.  It's just a bunch of naked bodies and most of them aren't worth looking at.  It would be so easy to pick me out - I'd be the one amongst all the free-spirited, open-minded, unselfconscious naked people trying to cover myself up or hide behind someone else.  So I'm afraid naked skydiving, skinny dipping and risque sex in public places are all off the menu.  Bet you're happy about this one, aren't you?!

5. Camp.  As a society we have worked very hard to raise ourselves above the level of our fellow animals - namely the invention of the toilet. The idea of abandoning all those advances is ludicrous.  I refuse to disrobe in public (see point 4) and expose my nether regions to all the dangers inherent in offering it to a bug, insect and rabid animal infested wilderness.  The closest I will come is staying in a less than four star hotel.  I've done it in the past and trust me there were bugs and wild animals enough to satisfy any boy scout. 

It's amazing really when you sit down and think about it - all the things you were sure you would put on your list of 'Never Evers' but when it comes down to it, there may not be that many.  I can probably stretch myself to another five but I'll save them for another time when the mood needs lightening - or like today when I'm at a loss for helpful advice and/or observations.

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