Not what I want to write, but each to their own and all that.
Assuring that you don't end up writing Extreme Over The Top Nookie Fests every time your Hero and Heroine feel like a bit of rumpy pumpy is extremely important.
While I know several couples who have successful 'relationships' based entirely on messing up the sheets, that's not what readers want to read. They want a journey where two people grow and change and realise that their lives together are so much better than their lives apart but that connection has to be more than just physical - it must be emotional and spiritual and mental as well.
But when they do get around to knocking boots, it needs to be steamy not sleazy. And as far as I can tell there are a few things that your Hero and Heroine just shouldn't do:
- The Yes Scream - having lived in a few apartments (why are the walls always so thin?) a woman screaming: "Yes. Yes. Yes. YES. YES. YEEEE-EEE-SSSSSS!" does nothing for me. A man doing the Yes Scream is even tackier.
- The Oh Scream - the rhythm is the same as the Yes Scream; it builds in both crescendo and tempo but it sounds like the woman is surprised every time her partner thrusts. Makes me want to slap someone.
- The Name Scream - murmuring your partners name a few times while you're getting busy can be really erotic (execpt when it's the wrong name which, trust me, has the totally opposite effect) but when 'Yes' or 'Oh' are replaced with "Nick" or "Stu" or "Phil" it's just cringeworthy. As a side note, a male who screams out his own name should be pitied (after you've laughed so hard you've fallen off the bed).
- Exploring the karma sutra - although a couple of authors have bravely explored different pozzies, you won't find many Heroes and Heroines enjoying upside down, gravity defying, ankles behind your ears kinda mattress dancing.
- Bringing a battery operated friend to bed - a real Alpha male is the Heroine's own Energiser Bunny - he just keeps going and going and going and........you get the idea.
- Bringing a non-battery operated friend to bed (also known as Taking Britney's Advice) - 2 shall be the optimum number. End of story. (If you're wondering about the Britney reference - listen to her song "3" and you'll understand.)
- Kinky - I'm not really sure but I think it's fairly safe to assume that if the Heroine suddenly whips out a dominatrix outfit, a leather whip and the Hero suddenly starts barking like a dog, the reader is going to become very confused.
But to summarise I would like to give a less is more example. Not from a book (which I know is cheating) but the example is such a good one that I couldn't pass it over. Check out the link to this clip from The Good Wife. It's subtle. It's steamy. It's passionate. It's real. It's Less. It's More.
It's the best O face I've ever seen.